


I Would Be Lying If I Said That I Could Live This Life Without You

by gingertintedglasses



Series: Running Up That Hill [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: AU, Bucky needs to take care of himself too, Caretaker Fatigue, M/M, Nightmares, Not Really Character Death, Panic Attack, Steve is a good boyfriend, character death in nightmare only, self care is important, war veteran Steve and civilian Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12909414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingertintedglasses/pseuds/gingertintedglasses
Summary: Prompt: War Vet Steve and Cillvian Bucky - Steve decided their staying in and having a mental health day when Bucky has a nightmare about losing Steve.





	I Would Be Lying If I Said That I Could Live This Life Without You

It started with a quiet sob and a subtle shift in the mattress. By the time Steve was completely awake, Bucky was crying hard and shaking the bed with it. Before Steve could shift enough wake him (could Steve do much of _anything_ for Bucky anymore?) Bucky shouted himself awake, eyes blurry and confused, his lashes sticky with tears.

***

_Steve. Steve was -gone. Bucky fell asleep in the chair next to Steve’s hospital bed and woke when the nurses were wheeling Steve out, regret and condolence written on their faces. How had he not noticed? How could he have slept through Steve needing him?_

_They wouldn’t let him near Steve as they took him away. Because he hadn’t been enough. Hadn’t been awake. Hadn’t -wasn’t._

_Bucky couldn’t breathe. His chest was heaving but he couldn’t get a breath in and he wasn’t sure when he’d crumpled but the cold tile of the floor was under his knees._

_He reached out to steady himself, pressing fingers into the blue and white tile and-_

_The tile wasn’t blue and white. Not in Steve’s room. It was. It_ had been _black and white. Imitation of marble. How-_

He was aware of several things sry once: he was in his bed, in the dark. And Steve was next to him.

“Buck?” Steve had said his name more than once, if the hesitation in his tone was any indication.

“Oh, God.” Bucky choked out. And threw his arms around Steve as recklessly and tightly as he dared. “You’re ok. Steve. I thought. I dreamt you’d-”

Steve squeezed him back as best he could. “I didn’t. It’s ok. We’re both - we’re both here and we’re both ok. Breathe.”

Bucky was still disoriented and upset ( _and selfish_ , he reminded himself) that he held onto Steve for a while longer. Until he had his breath back and could no longer feel his heart trying to pound it’s way through his ribcage.

***

Bucky held on for several long minutes and Steve rubbed a hand down Bucky’s back as best he could, between their position and his mobility.

By the time Bucky leaned away, Steve felt both of them slipping back towards sleep and he positioned them both so that they could hold hands and Steve would still be lying comfortably.

***

Steve was staring at Bucky like he’d grown another head.

“What?”

“Reschedule.”

“Steve, I promised that-”

“Buck, you need a break. This had been hard on you, too. And,” Steve paused, “and I’ve known it but I didn’t realize and I’m sorry. You need a day. Reschedule the lunch meeting. It’s internal and you know your team will understand.”

“I’ve been out of the office a lot already Steve.” Bucky cringed. That sounded like an indictment. “I mean. I meant-”

“I know what you meant. It’s ok. And you haven’t been. You work from home almost every day. You haven’t taken any time for yourself. Take a personal day today. You need a day to relax and just. Be here.  For yourself and not just me.”

Bucky could feel his eyes burn and he gripped his phone a little tighter. He was still rattled from his nightmare. He was feeling overwhelmed by work and trying to be good for Steve and to Steve. He was trying.

And.

“You’re right.” And he could feel something heavy and encompassing coming up behind him without knowing how to escape it.

Steve smiled. “And I’ll make you coffee and we can watch a movie. Any one you want.”

Bucky sniffled and hastily wiped an eye to ward off (more) tears. “Yeah?”

Steve wiggled his fingers, slow and halting but _progress_. “Yeah. I need to practice more. Making you coffee is the best practice I can think of.”

Bucky shot a quick text to Darcy to tell her he wouldn’t be in and to reschedule the meeting and then shuffled over to Steve to hug him carefully.

“Thank you. Thank God you’re ok, Steve.”

“I got you.” Steve whispered.


End file.
